I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx

A Carrot Problem: A Story Inspired by Jim Henson's "The Cube"

by Steve DeMartino
March 31, 2011

One fine morning, Rabbit was gleefully hopping around an open field and enjoying the hot summer sun, as rabbits tend to do when the feeling strikes them, which is often. His wanton prancing had put him in a good mood, and his thoughts quickly wandered to heady ponderations of life and the universe and other things that you might not expect rabbits to think much about. But rabbits do often ruminate on these things, you see, as they are very important to a creature whose life can be so fleeting. Rabbit had been enjoying the time to himself, but that quickly changed when Wolf showed up.

“Shit!” Rabbit exclaimed, as he bolted for the nearest safe haven. Wolf had snapped a tuft of hair from Rabbit’s tail as Rabbit tumbled into a small hole in a hollowed out tree stump. Wolf was furious.

“Again with the tree stumps! Don’t you rabbits understand the food chain? Now get out here so I can eat you!”

“Hell no,” replied Rabbit, “I can hang out here all day and night. I’m not coming out.”

“Look, vermin, one of these days you’re going to be eaten by another wolf, or a snake, or an eagle, or some human is going to shoot you with his magic stick. Why don’t you just get it over with now and save yourself the trouble?”

Rabbit did ponder this idea for a moment. Wolf did have a point, he thought, these things are inevitable. He hadn’t heard of any rabbits dying of old age.

“What am I to you, Wolf?” Rabbit asked.

“Breakfast. Or dinner if you’re really going to try and wait this one out.” Wolf replied.

“Have you ever thought of what I might be to others?”

“What do you mean?” Wolf angrily questioned. You see, wolves have little patience for head games.

“I mean,” Rabbit calmly replied, “to wolves I’m food. But to my family, I’m a provider and a loved one. To me, I’m everything. Haven’t you ever thought of things from someone else’s perspective?”

Wolf was confused. He hadn’t ever thought of anything from any perspective other than a wolf’s. We won’t blame him for that. Even though they’re pack animals, wolves tend to be very self-centered.

“What’s the point? I’m a wolf. I’m badass. Things are scared of me. Why should I think any differently?”

“It might improve your life. Think of this, right now you’re spending all your time hunting me, when there’s a perfectly good carrot patch not more than 100 feet from here. Carrots don’t run away and hide, you know.” Rabbit was wise beyond his ears. A point of correction, however, as carrots with legs are able to run.

“Carrots? Wolves don’t eat carrots, you fool!” Wolf replied. He wasn’t keen on rabbit logic. “A carrot is a weed. Another piece of nothing for me to trample on my way to downing some delicious rabbit legs.”

“It’s only nothing if you think it’s nothing, Wolf. To me, carrots are tasty meals. And easy to catch, too.”

“You’re boring me, Rabbit. Why don’t you just come out and let me eat you?”

“Don’t you get it, Wolf? You can make your own reality if you just take control! You can eat carrots if you want to eat carrots, and enjoy them too!”

“So, what are you to a carrot?” Wolf was starting to get it.

“Well, that’s a great question, Wolf. I guess a carrot probably feels about me the same way that I feel about you. I am the predator and he is the food. Luckily, a carrot isn’t much of a thinker, or else he might decide to rise up and eat me.”

“That’s ridiculous, Rabbit. A carrot can’t eat anyone.”

“Exactly. That’s why we’re lucky. If carrots were sentient, we might have an uprising on our hands.”

“How so?” Wolf was starting to become really interested in this subject. You see, wolves don’t know it, but they love to feel like intellectuals.

“Infinite truths, Wolf. Make your own reality. If you believe it, then it’s true. Well, not really.” Rabbit was getting tangled in his own little rabbit logic net. “There are infinite truths, but they’re all illusions.”

“Huh?” Wolf replied. He was starting to feel like being an intellectual wasn’t so fun anymore.

“Well, it’s all in the perspective. We might all make our own truths, but the point is that we made them. They’re not indelibly etched in stone somewhere. We’re not magic.”

“What if I believe I can fly?” asked Wolf.

“Go for it!” Rabbit gleefully retorted.

With that, Wolf sprinted to the nearest cliff and sprung into the air. He majestically floated with the wind for about a half-second before majestically plummeting to his death. You see, as much as they might enjoy it, wolves aren’t cut out to be intellectuals.

“Works every time!” exclaimed Rabbit, as he excitedly bounded out from his hiding spot in the tree stump. Waiting outside for Rabbit were a dozen Predator Carrots, who immediately descended upon him and tore him to pieces.  

Steve DeMartino is an ancient demon awakened from eternal slumber by careless archaeologists. He plans to someday enslave the human race, maybe when it gets a little warmer outside. Likes: tea parties, death metal. Dislikes: Tea Parties, butt rock.