I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx

Cats Are Assholes


by Alison Stevenson
June 21, 2015

Cats are assholes. I know this is a controversial statement. Cats have completely taken over the internet. They're the stars of Youtube, and it's all because they look cute sleeping and can fit in various boxes. Studies have shown that the majority of the population has forgotten what purpose boxes have other than to hold cats in them. An audience of 100 men and women were shown a picture of a shoe box. When asked what it was, 96% checked the box for “Thing a cat pops out of to surprise us and make us squeal like idiots”, 3% marked “shoe box” (those were the dog people), and 1% wrote in his answer as “casket for dead lizards”.

To make sure I don't get sucked into the cat frenzy I watch this clip from Let The Right One In. It reminds me that the true nature of a cat is to kill people. Your pet cat does not love you. In fact, cats are too smart to love the institution that enslaves them. As much as I love dogs I understand that the only reason they love us so much in return is because they're stupid. Dogs are the ultimate victims of Stockholm Syndrome while cats are constantly plotting their revenge.

Sure this clip is exaggerated. They're attacking a Swedish vampire woman out of pure instinct. What's brilliant about this is that it seems as though it's to protect their owner, but really it's to make sure vampires don't kill people before they do. Cats have been working a long time to weaken us. In approximately ten years, cats will have so much power over us that when they finally do attack we'll welcome it.

That's right. We're going to lose our shit over how adorable these cats are as they tear our flesh apart and consume our loved ones. There will be an onslaught of cat attack videos on Youtube with captions like, “Awww look at how adorable my Snuffles is as he rips apart my husband's face”, “My kitty ate my liver and now he has a tummy ache :( poor kitty!”, “I'm human catnip what a way to go! LOL!!! Goodbye world!”

What can we do about this? Nothing really. All we can do is try and prolong the inevitable. Once all dog people fully give in to the feline's charms we will be totally done for. For now I ask that with every cute cat video you see that you please make sure to watch this clip immediately after. It's not much in the grand scheme of things but it's all we have.

Alison Stevenson is a comedian and writer who lives back and forth between Oakland and Los Angeles.  She has performed at various venues across the country including the San Francisco Punchline, and the Purple Onion. She considers Woody Allen and John Waters her two gay dads (even though only one of them is gay). She has contributed to various sites such as Comics BulletinForty Ounce Bachelors, Imperfect Enjoyment, and Film Drunk. In her free time (which is all the time) she listens to a lot of power pop, eats a lot of pizza, and tweets stuff on her twitter thing (@JustAboutGlad).