I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx

How to kill Rasputin


by Joe DeMartino
April 7, 2011

Are you suffering from an infestation of Rasputin? Is your local aristocracy under the influence of Russia's crazy love machine?
Can't get rid of the mad old monk despite having poisoned, shot, beaten and drowned him, in that order? Network Awesome can help. 

Method One

Meet Rasputin for drinks at a local pub. This will set Rasputin at ease, because he enjoys drinking and will naturally be receptive to a night out. You cannot match him drink-for-drink, so do not even try -- instead, instruct the bartender beforehand to water down your shots. It might be best just to go with water, actually. When the bar closes, offer to escort Rasputin to a “house of ill repute”. You should wink and nudge him with your elbow to get the point across. He will very likely follow. Lead him to the “house of ill repute” and insist that, as he is the great Rasputin, he must go first.

Surprise! The house is actually a bear. The bear will eat him. You should now run from the bear, but not before thanking it, as bears cannot abide discourtesy for services rendered.

Method Two

You contact Rasputin with terrible news. He is in the future! Sexual mores have been tightened considerably due to rampant fears of STDs and a repressive moral climate! Alcohol has been outlawed! Bathing is mandatory! The shock and horror of such a situation should overload Rasputin’s brutish serf mind, leaving him catatonic.

As this is now the future, you are free to shoot him with your ship-mounted cannon, which fires superheated gobs of metal at faster-than-light speeds. This will likely result in his death.

Method Three

Rasputin will be in bed with the Tsarina Alexandra Fyodorovna. Prior to this, you should suggest to Rasputin that the Tsarina will be very receptive to suggestions of certain political reforms that will appear to be productive, but are in reality quite disastrous. Rasputin will believe you because he is credulous when it comes to ideas that will get him laid. The Tsarina will believe Rasputin because she is credulous when it comes to Rasputin. The Tsar will follow the Tsarina’s advice because he is … credulous.

We are too kind. The Tsar is an idiot.

The resulting policies will massively destabilize Russia. The eventual collapse may take years, but at some point, Rasputin will be blamed by either the boyars, serfs, or Bolsheviks. He will then be their problem. You can congratulate yourself on a job well done by sleeping with the Tsarina. Did you remember to spirit her away prior to the Revolution? We hope you have read this method in its entirety before employing it.

Method Four

It is a matter of record that Rasputin has an automatic killswitch located on his person. Activating it will shut down Rasputin’s bodily functions, leaving him easy prey for even the weakest of opponents.

The catch is that the killswitch is in his beard. Many brave men and women have ventured into Rasputin’s beard and were never heard from again. You will need dynamite, pruning shears, a trench-quality gas mask, and offerings to the follicle gods that live deep in the recesses of the beard. If you find the killswitch, strike it swiftly three times with the palm of your hand. Repeat the words “Eloi Eloi Lama Sabachthani” with every strike.

Neither of the previous two steps are actually necessary.

Do not deviate from this plan in any way.

Method Five

During Christmastime in 1914, German and Alllied troops called an unofficial ceasefire all along the Western Front. Using your guile and political contacts, engineer a similar ceasefire along the Eastern Front. Suggest to Rasputin that the both of you visit the troops during this time. Due to the general revelry of soldiers who have been briefly spared the horror of war, Rasputin will get drunk. Suggest further that the two of you lie in No Man’s Land and contemplate the infinite majesty of the cosmos. Rasputin will fall asleep.

Immediately run to the safety of the Russian lines. Did you mark the exact position of Rasputin’s slumber? You have artillery. Make shells fall upon him like hail.

Final Method (if all other methods fail)

For Chrissakes, just … just shoot him! Shoot him in the head like four or five times, preferably with a rifle or shotgun. This cannot possibly be that difficult, tovarisch. We are not at all surprised that you will eventually lose the Cold War. 

 

Joe DeMartino is a Connecticut-based writer who grew up wanting to be Ted Williams, but you would not BELIEVE how hard it is to hit a baseball, so he gave that up because he writes words OK. He talks about exploding suns, video games, karaoke, and other cool shit at his blog. He can be emailed at jddemartino@gmail.com and tweeted at @thetoycannon. He writes about sports elsewhere. The sports sells better.