I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx

Humanity, Unfortunately: Dating Videos

by Alex Schab
June 14, 2014

Sometimes I like to imagine the type of person that clicks those “meet singles in your area” advertisements. The ones with the flashing marquees proclaiming the impossible number of HOT SINGLES just MINUTES away. It's a sobering type of imagining, thinking of some poor person so overcome by either loneliness, stupidity, or some unholy combination of the two, that they would dare click what have to be the most virus-ridden pop up adds in the entire realm of the Internet just for the chance to meet a mate. It's both hilarious and depressing.

Dating videos are like that. Only, instead of just imagining some overweight 40 year old dude with bad facial hair and a giant mole, you're looking him dead in the eyes as he fumbles in front of a camera wearing his idea of a suit. First you laugh, then you cry. Or, at least you would cry, if you weren't a jaded asshole like most of us here on the Internet.

Anyway, let's get to some highlights from the videos and compilations presented here in this wonderful set.

First off, we have Perfect-O-Date, which appears to have been shot at a “35 and Older Virgins” convention. My personal favorite has to be Jeff. I'm no lady's man, but I can't imagine the whole “watch you sleep” spiel he gives while staring through those terrible, terrible glasses being too effective. My heart goes out to you, brother. I can only hope you're not rotting in jail for some sort of sex crime.

Another great video is the first, and easily best of the many Dating on Demand tapes. It's a lot more recent, but Trentina, the featured single, appears to have a 1950's mindset. She WILL not get a job! It would eat into her free time! Come support this wild girl's spontaneity! You could have sex with her while listening to “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails! Next!

A close second for the Dating on Demand videos, though, would be Joseph. Now, despite a quick gaffe in which he appears to claim he “did 9/11,” he seems like a pretty good guy. He's only 28, wants a nice girl, and acts pretty sincere. He's got a good job, too! Only problem is that his face is made up to look like the saddest clown in the world. And I don't mean that the make up crew messed up his blush – I mean he's actually wearing clown paint. Jesus Joseph, get a grip.

As for the rest of them, they range from the truly depressing, such as Mr. Ronald, who appears to have been walked out on, to the hilarious, such as Ben, a professional Magic the Gathering player who appears to have been stopped for an interview while high at a state fair.

All of them are recommended though, and hey! I'm guessing 90% of these people are still available, so who knows what might happen!

Alex Schab is a freelance writer living somewhere between the woods and the suburbs of Massachusetts. This means he spends way too many lonely nights consuming media and beer. Follow him on Twitter (@Schab) as he tries to wrestle some meaning into his life.