I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx

The Abacus of Porn: Eroticise


by Alex Schab
May 22, 2013

I look at soft core porn the way I imagine most mathematicians probably look at abacuses. Like, I get what it's for and understand its importance and all, but it doesn't mean anyone over the age of 14 is going to watch it. And though yes, films like Lord of the G String are still being made, I think that being caught with a copy is more likely to result in a laugh than a scowl.

The same goes for exercise tapes. People in the 70's and 80's might have been down to get sweaty and look like fools on their shag carpets in front of their TVs, but find me one person who uses them (or shag carpets, for that matter) today and I'll buy you a gym membership.

However, while they may be totally useless when looked at separately, blended together they become something else; something part leotard, part fake boob and part shirt that appears to be made from the fabric of a waiting room couch which barely covers up the wearer's crotch.

In short, they become Eroticise.

With a title like that, it's really hard not to guess what it's in store for you when you embark on this 20 minute odyssey into the realm of big hair and bigger boobs. Hell, even if you don't guess, you're still going to find out in the first 30 seconds anyway.

But, just in case you don't feel like sparing even a second to watch what is surely one of the most bizarre things to crawl out from the 80's and onto YouTube, allow me to break it down for you.

Filmed in 1983, Eroticise invites viewers to put on their leg warmers and work up a sweat with a gaggle of 80's babes, including two-time Miss Nude Universe winner, Kitten Natividad. Miss Natividad and her barely garbed friends lead what at first appears to be a normal workout, though something about they way the all ALWAYS SMILE seems a bit off.

This suspicion proves to be correct, as the exercises gradually become more and more erotic (BAM! Eroticise!), with an increasing number of crotch shots, butt-taps, and, before you know it, a nipple slip. Topping it all off is the overdubbed soundtrack, which is comprised of thoroughly 80's tunes that occasionally sound vaguely like other 80's tunes.

Obviously, with this being YouTube and all, the 20 minute clip ends before any significant nudity can begin, which cuts the original film quite short. However, their outfits leave so little to the imagination that it's probably more difficult to not picture what's underneath those leotards.

Keeping those cuts in mind, this version of Eroticise proves to be a more effective workout tape than a soft core porn tape. While some of the exercises, particularly the butt-taps, are certainly a bit more skewed toward the porno side, many of moves at least appear to be quite legitimate. Frankly, this tape could be the solution to obesity rates among teenage boys.

Only joking. They'd probably just drool.

Alex Schab is a freelance writer living somewhere between the woods and the suburbs of Massachusetts. This means he spends way too many lonely nights consuming media and beer. Follow him on Twitter (@Schab) as he tries to wrestle some meaning into his life.